How I Go From Terrified to Confident (With One Simple Trick)

It was years ago, but to this day I still recall every detail of how utterly terrified I felt when they called my name.

For the first time in my life, I was about to sing to a live audience, alone on stage with my guitar.

Guitarist alone on stage

The loudness of the microphone made me flinch when I timidly whispered “uh, hi?”.

I asked for a chair because I didn’t want anyone to see my legs shake.

I could feel the fear coursing through my veins.

I remember taking a deep breath, closing my eyes, and starting my first song. I kept telling myself: “just get to the end of the song, then you’ll be ok.”

But it didn’t go the way I hoped it would. Not even close.

After the chorus, there’s a bit where I usually whistle and I hadn’t noticed that my mouth was completely dry from the anxiety…

Instead of a clear whistle, the audience heard a very loud: “pfffftthhhhgghhhhhffftr”.

I heard someone muffle a laugh.

The absolute worse case scenario had just happened: I was on stage, in the spotlight, in front of an audience, and people were making fun of me.

I wished I could disappear.

Worst of all: it wasn’t over. I was only half way through the song.

The second chorus was coming up and I was supposed to whistle again. My mind was racing. I didn’t know what to do. I had to make a decision before I got to the whistling bit again.

Should I cut the song short? Should I try to whistle again? What if I went for it and the same scenario happened? What would they think of me?

Then it hit me: I’d already gone through the worst case scenario. I couldn’t experience anything worse than what had already happened — getting laughed at on stage. The only direction from here was up.

My whole mindset changed.

I opened my eyes, my shoulders relaxed, my breathing slowed, and I started to enjoy the experience. For the first time, I felt good. It wasn’t so serious anymore, it felt more like PLAY.

So, when the last verse ended I made sure to lick my lips and heard a lovely whistle come out of my mouth.

I felt amazing and was noticeably more relaxed for the next song.

More importantly, the realization of what had happened was transformational.

The humiliation did sting at first, but it was a far cry from what I had imagined it would be. The pain dampened quickly and gave way to a feeling of freedom. Nothing could stop me now. I wasn’t scared of messing up anymore. My relationship to fear had changed:

Yo Fear; wanna play?

– – –

Most of us are often held back by fear of failure or ridicule.

  • Fear will convince you not to talk to the cute person at the bar.
  • Fear will keep you from learning a new skill.
  • Fear will trick you into discarding your dreams.
  • Fear will make you postpone the meaningful.
  • Fear will find ways out of responsibilities.
  • Fear will lock you into a maze of eternal todos.
  • Fear will seduce you into taking the easy way out.
  • Fear will hold you prisoner.

So how can you learn to dance with Fear?

Ever since I experienced that whistling mishap, when I try something new or scary I start by identifying the worst case scenarios to I see if I can provoke one as soon as possible. I actively look for the feeling of freedom that comes right after. The feeling that creates an environment that allows for huge leaps in the learning process.

I continually see amazing results with this very simple — yet scary — trick.

And not only for myself.

In fact, I make every single one of my students confront their biggest fear on the first day of a 12-week course (I teach beginners how to play guitar).

After learning a simple tune on their guitar, each student has to write their own lyrics (or borrow some), film themselves playing (and singing) the song they just created, and send me that video. All of this on day one of a 3-month course.
It doesn’t take long, everyone can do it (and has), but it will definitely make you feel uncomfortable.

This changes everything for the next 12 weeks.

I ask my students to feel ridiculous so that they can forget about feeling ridiculous.

Once they’ve purposefully made themselves feel uncomfortable, they’ve given themselves permission to make mistakes without feeling bad.

In other words, they’re free to play without consequences.

– – –

So what about you?

Has something similar ever happened to you? A situation where you experienced a worse case scenario and came out of it feeling free and energized?

If you currently feel held back by fear in your life, take a minute now to think about how you could provoke an uncomfortable situation in order to get over the barrier and set yourself free.

Here are a two (general) examples for inspiration:

  • Are you constantly afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone? Noah Kagan recommends you go to your favorite coffee shop and ask for a 10% discount on a cup of coffee (I know this actually sounds crazy but please trust me on this. You will feel the results immediately).
  • Are you scared of speaking in public or want to feel more confident in group settings? Go to an improv class, it could change your life (I’ve been going to Improv classes for months now, and it’s been an incredible experience).

Isn’t it time you danced with the Fear?

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Comments

  1. Hi there,

    Great article which I came across via TheMuse.com. For the majority of my life, I have tended to be on the shyer side. Maybe symptomatic of some self-esteem, childhood issue. Currently, I work a lot temp office jobs (not by choice since I’m looking for steady work), but I think this is life’s way of throwing me into situations that have taken me out of my comfort zone. Also, interviewing for jobs are one of my least favorite experiences. I get so afraid, the night before until the minute I walk into the interview location. My hands sweat, my heart races, my stomach churns. Once I’m done, I feel drained but glad I got through it whether I got the job or not. For the last year I have been toying with the idea of pitching some articles to get myself published ( I have been a blog writer for five years), but my fear has been greater. I am terrified of rejection. After reading your article, I think I am going to give this a try and just close my eyes and begin the process. So thank you for writing this!

    • Tristan de Montebello says:

      Thanks Maria!
      Definitely give it a try and report back (send me an email if you prefer replying privately).
      I’ve been rejected a bunch of times when pitching, and I always feel relieved after: “that wasn’t even close to what I was expecting to feel. I thought it would be horrible. The initial sting is light and is followed by a strong feeling of empowerment: nothing can stop me now!”.

      I bet you’ll feel something very similar…. or get published!

      • Maria Cartagena says:

        Thank you for the boost Tristan and kind words. I will definitely keep you posted (yes best through email). I have to figure out where to begin since I’m not familiar with the process.

        Congrats on getting over that initial sting and for inspiring others to do the same. 🙂

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